When I was 5, I woke up i the middle of the night to my dad screaming and cussing at my mom. My big brother came in my room to see if I heard it. I told him yes and I started crying. We went to the top of the steps. I was the one who sat right next to my mom at the bottom of the stairs and comforted her while she cried and cried. Then, my father came back in and kicky my mom, brother and me out. I have hated him ever since. I am now 14 i have been to 10 schools. I was bullied my whole life my cousin megan and my cousin colton physically and sexually abused me from age 3 to 12. When I was 11 my mom brother and I moved to West Virginia to live with my family and get away from my dad. We moved back with him when I was 12. I started cutting then. I was bullied by my WHOLE class. I ran out crying several times. ! My dad is on drugs and my mom drinks all the time. My mom went into the hospital and coted(she died and came back to life) I was so scared. When I was 13 my boyfried killed himself august 2nd. Then august 6th my cousin Tom killed himself. He was a dad to me. He did everything for my mom brother and I. He was the reason we are still alive. Then august 7th was my birthday. I have anotexia and I cut. I have gashed and normal scars all over my body. I am so scared of anyone seeing them. I was put in a mental hospital twice. I am home schooled right now, but next year i have to go back. I hate myself. Everyone says I shouldnt though. Everyone says i am worthless and unwanted. I was caught trying to commit suicide by my mom. Blood was drippin onto my carpet. I have had a miscarriage and now am called a slut. I am in therapy. I just want to feel okay but it feels impossible. If you read this, thank you.

2 years ago, life was great. I was never self concious, or paranoid, or had an eating disorder. Ive never been fat, only abit chubby, but i could fit into my older sisters clothes (2 years older than me), so that was great fun. That same year, everyone started to get ‘formspring’ (one of these websites where you write comments anon and send it to people’s page) and ‘truthbox’ which you use to be able to have on facebook, once again, it was anon. And people started saying things to me on there like ‘your fat’, ‘your ugly’, ‘skinny jeans are for people with skinny legs’. Obviously i was so upset and hurt by these comments, i started to not eat, and lie about eating, and even throwing up food i ate because i became so self concious of my body image. This is when my eating disorder started. 2 months after this started i dropped 10kg. That wasn’t enough weight dropped. This became very addictive. Your never happy with your weight or body image and thats part of the illness. Then a few months down the line and i had my ‘best friends’ and there boyfriends call me ‘fat’ and say things behind my back. I was doing everything i could to lose weight, but it wasn’t enough. That started the cutting. I was so depressed. I was getting so ill i had to go to hospital because my sugar levels were so low. If your sugar levels in your blood is below 2, you should be in a coma, yet mine were 1.4 and i didnt. I was so lucky, i thought of this as a wake up call. I changed friend groups as i thought it would get me into a more positive atmosphere and somehow i thought it would all just blow over…it doesnt work like that. This is my second year into my eating disorder, and i finally stopped purgeing and cutting, but the anorexia is still part of my life. Through my family and my true friends, it took me a year to realize maybe i do need help, so i have to go to a treatment center. I always thought to myself ‘im not 50lbs so im not anorexic’, ‘i havent been hospitalised, so im not anorexic’, but thats another common mistake, you dont have to be 50lbs to have an eating disorder. Im trying so hard to get better before i end up hospitalized now. There are some days i want help and i know i need to get better, but there are others when im in complete denial and refuse help. Its a daily battle and its one you face with for the rest of your life. Its not a lifestyle or a diet gone wrong, anorexia is a life threatening mental illness and people are so unaware of this. To think some people actually google ‘how to become anorexic’. I just want to be normal again. I want this all to be over…

Ive never had an eating disorder but ive had an issue with a weight all my life. Ive always been known as the “skinny one” but people are cruel and can use this against you. Ive been called anorexic loads of times and it used to upset me so much. I thought it had stopped but it hadn’t the only thing that’s change from 2 years ago to now is people are going behind my back and saying it. A few weeks ago a girl i don’t really talk to once said to my friend “oh the anorexic one?” At one point i even started to believe it. This is why i really want to raise awareness for eating disorders so people no what one is instead of saying anyone who’s skinny has one because that’s not true. Because of people saying this to me i began to hate the way i looked. The most common thing is having people put there two fingers around my wrist and say “omg your arms so skinny” i laugh of course, there my “friends” after all but really it hurts be deeply inside. The same people have said before “you haven’t got any fat on you your just skin and bones haha” and again i laugh but they don’t realise how much it upsets me. About 2 years ago i stood in front of the mirror in my bikini as i was planning on wearing it on holiday and just burst into tears. I could never show my stomach, i have been trying ever so hard to put on weight but i find it so difficult, luckily my stomach don’t look bad now but my arms, i cant stand my arms there discussing, there bone. My wrists i hate them i hate my back. I hate my neck. I hate my chest. I hate most parts of me. But there’s not much help out there for people like me. And i don’t feel like there ever will be. But if people knew what a eating disorder really was then maybe they wouldn’t say stuff like that to people like me. All i can do is keep trying. Stay Strong.

Basically, I’ll try to sum it up as fast as possible & this is helping me get a lot of things off my chest, so I’ll start from when I became a self-harmer, & developed eating disorders, etc. I’m Makayla. 14. 
When I was about 12, I lost my sister. She died of an overdose. After she died, my parents sent me to live with my grandma, because my mom went insane,then my dad divorced her.So, I moved in with my grandma, (& currently still living there.) Everything went waaay down hill from there. I’ve been abused ever since. She does the most insane things to me. Burns me with cigarettes,cuts me, hits me, has tried to kill me multiple times. So I began to self-harm.. I cut almost everyday currently, and have since about 12. I have cuts/scars covering almost my entire body. It’s crazy. She abuses me, physically, mentally, & emotionally.She tells me how fat I am everyday, how I’m nothing, & how I’m never making it anywhere. I’m a ugly little emo slut. My dad died when I was about 13, in a motorcycle accident. My grandma is psycho. I’ve honestly tried to commit suicide more times than I honestly can count. I’ve done more drugs, pills, than I know that name of. And then, my grandma got this new boyfriend. Mike. Mike lived at my house for a while, & whenever my grandma passed out, he’d bust my door in & rape me. He’s raped me so many times, I honestly lost count.But, it was just that once that, ended up giving me my precious, baby girl. Emmalynne. I love her to death & I’m a freshman in highschool, trying to raise a baby ( she’ll be one in June. ) all on my own. It’s hard, but I’m making i through. She’s saved me from suicide a bunch of times, and she’s my everything. I’ve been trying to overcome my cutting, anorexia/bulimia, for a while, but I’m still as consistant with it as I have been since I started it. It’s only gotten a bit worse, though. But, I’m trying to be the best mom I can. 

i had a good life untill i was about 4 when my dad committed suicide,it was traumatizing! the ONE thing that i will ALWAYS remeber is that he said he would pick me up from my grans…and he never returened i NEVER SAW HIM AGAIN! he was gone! my mum has to tell me,i didnt believe her,i cried for 5 days straight,all i wanted to do is see him 1last time,so my mum took me to the mourgue,she didnt know if it was the right thing as i was so young,but as soon as i saw him there was silence again,i felt a reliefe.i felt reasured i knew he was actully dead,iFINALLY believed it,i thaught my mum was trying to trick me. i was only 4 i was so confussed.ever since then i have had sleeping problems,i wake up at 12 then 3,4,5,and 6 EVERYNIGHT,i have dont that for almost 11 years now. its crazy i know. my mum moved us around ALOT.so i was always having to resetle and make new friend. at the age of 10 i had gone through so much, my brother went crazy after my dad passed, he got into trouble with the police,and the wrong people.my mum was always trying to defend and help him that she forgot about her other 3 childen so from an early age my sister brought me and my younger brother up. my nana and grandad(my dads mom and dad) totaly ignored my dads children.i felt so left out and then if we wanted to see them we had to make all the effort so i confrunted them they didnt like it we have never spoke since. then i got sexually abuse at the age of 11.tellling my mom was one of the hardest things i ever had to do.then at the age of 11 i got stechmarks. that was the end of the world.why did i get them i wasnt even fat. EVER SINCE i have had an eating disorder. becuase i am tall i get called mean names like manbeast green giant, ugly, man fat etc.all these names wear you down sooner or later. one day i just broke down in school! i NEVER cry. i starved my self for 2 weeks,i fainted it was horrible i lost to much weight it was unreal. having anorexia me losing weight was the best thing ever THEN i got forced to eat,i put so much weight on. then my sister was due to give birth it went totally wrong,the baby survived on machienes for 6 days, until they had to be turned off the babby died she nearly died she was in hopital for months,with brain problems and blood clots, so basically i was looking after me my yonger brother and my niece (keep in mind i was only 14) i was like a mom.no one in my family helped me! they all suck. then my younger brother fell extremely ill. so my mum was visiting hospital everyday.my brother and sister was both in hospital,but oppisite hostpials on diffrent sides of the town, so ONCE again i was left alone at home baby sitting my 3 year old niece my eating just got even worse my BMI DROPPED TO 16.7 no one noticed i was ill…i had to self recover i knew if i didnt i would die. and i was scared for my niece i then fell bulimic so puting on weight became frightening even more! i had to do for my niece who i adore. and FINALLY a year later my mum realised i need help…and i am now currently in threaphy trying to recover from depression,anxitey and anorexia. will i ever get better? i dont know i want to but i just carnt its a working progress i WANT TO BE NORMAL! THERES SO MUCH MORE I COULD TELL YOU! i feel like i have said to much already so…i will leave it at that. thanks for listening (Sorry for all the spelling mistakes)

I’m 17. I had a good life until the age of 7. My parents got divorced and I had to move to Florida. My dad and mom have never really gotten along after that. I only saw my dad every once in a while. When I was 9 they both started dating again. I was happy about it. All my friends had both their mom and dad together. I have always wanted that prefect family photo. When my brother went to college my moms boyfriend moved in. My father is not very involved anymore. He was an alcoholic, he never cared about our family. I see him once a month, and I hate it. He has told me how worthless I am. I’m not important to him. My mom recently got married to him. We don’t get along and he is stealing my mom away from me. Ever since I was little, I have been the bigger friend. I remember in second grade looking in the mirror and saying “I’m fat, ugly, gross.” I have been told by family, friends, & others that I am ugly. Worthless. Fat. Useless. MY WHOLE LIFE. I am bulimic, borderline anorexic. I have been struggling with restricting my diet for a year. Over the summer I started to binge and purge. Now I purge when ever I can. Even small, tiny amounts of food. My eating disorder controls my life. I realize I have a problem and started talking to someone about it. I wrote my mom a letter to tell her everything but then destroyed it. I don’t ever want her to find out. It would break her heart. I feel like since I started talking to someone that I ruined everything. Anorexia has been starting to take over my mind more then bulimia. I wish I had never said anything to anyone. I want help, but at the same time I don’t. I don’t deserve it. I’m so useless. One day I do dream of getting better. I know that even if I am better one day, I will ALWAYS have these thoughts. They will never go away. That’s what I’m scared of most.

So erm im gunna tell you my story about how i became a self harmer and basically what i have been thru..i know most of you out there have probably been thru much more than me but i just feel i might be able to help someone who is going thru the same thing as me :3 if anyone would like to ask for advice anon or not feel free :) oh and i’d like to thank you if you are acctually going to read about me :) so erm here goes..

well lets start when i was young, on my 1st birthday i took my first steps…straight into a table.. yeah your probably thinking what the fuck has this got to do with anything. well to answer that…my “family” think that because i walked into a table when i had turned 1 is the reason why im mental or stupid or whatever else my ‘parents’ call me o my face or behind my back.

Lets skip a few years to when i was 10, i was is year 5 at Lower Place Primary School here in rochdale asmall towm near Manchester in England. i was in the second class of year 5. in this year i found what i wanted to become. i foundout i could sing and that i had a passion for it. i knew from that moment on i wanted to become a Musician/Singer. i knew one day i woud reach my dream. i coulnt have been more wrong.

as he years went on i grew a stong passion for music and art. i guess im talented in both but i know i love music.

after primary i went to Oulder Hill High School, year 7(freshman year) i went thru a little bit of bullying but hey everyone gets bullied at least once i their life right? well that year i started getting abuse from my parents. whenever anyone said how much do ou love your mom? i hesitated, i had to lie all the time there was only a handfull of people knew what i really fealt. i used to sing to hide how i really feel, sometimes it would work but then there were times where i would just burst out crying.

Year 8 was a really interesting and a very emotional rollercoaster ride for me. at the start of the year it was just like year 7, middle of the year i fell in love with a guy(and i still am now :D) nothing new but then i started cutting..i did it because for years i got told i was fat, obese, overwight, a pig. the usual but it got to me more tha ever because suddenly everyone around me was saying it. i cut all over my arm. nothing spectacular.

Year 9, the year i figure out who my REAL friends are. i tell them everything. they found out about me cutting even more, my arm was getting worse. finally my year manager found out and told my parents everything got worse not better!

New year 2012. same year group (year 9) in school. lay off the cutting for a month and then things get even worse. arguments between everyone. my fat self! i am very fat and i know it so dont tell me otherwise. im starting to starve myself to be skinny. more self harm on my legs and my stomach. I have lost alot of weight since the start of the year, April ending and im still not happy. Missing out on meals helps for me, but it gets too much. 

Recently i told my year manager about everything because i had lied to her about why i cut so i went to her and told her the truth about everything. She decided the best thing for me is to go to CAM’s, they are Councillor’s who help people just like me to cope with things and stop cutting and stop starving. And to be happy with who i am. I have not yet visited my Councillor yet i am waiting to get an appointment, i guess this is a start of me getting better. 

I remember when it started—vaguely. It was shortly after, as a seven year old I was kidnapped and almost raped. By the grace of God I got away, however right after that I found myself trapped in rooms with a neighbor that molested me. I thought, at first, that exercising would get me out of my house, into the ARMY and away from everything I knew. The molestation continued and my eating habits got weird. No butter. Only noodles. Eat one thing at a time. Eat clockwise. Eat meats last. I was 8, my innocence was gone, I was out of control, my life consumed me, I only wanted to disappear. Middle school started and my parents split up. I got up the nerve to tell my mother I was being sexually abused by our neighbor: she did nothing. I continued to exercise: 100 sit-ups, 100 push-ups—I had to count them, they had to be perfect; i had to be perfect. My mother started dating a man and we moved in with him. The first three months seemed like a dream: I had a dad that seemed to care about me. But soon that dream faded and the physical and emotional abuse started. When you are told daily that you are worthless, stupid, and will never amount to anything, you start to believe it. I stopped eating all together. My teachers notice and call social services, but again nothing was done, I was not protected and my life was constantly put in danger. I began cutting myself, swallowing hand fulls of pills, and drinking. At this point I was 12. Life went on like this for a few years. At 15 I was living with my dad: still restricting, still drinking. At a party I was raped. I gave up on who I wanted to be—I gave up on my dreams. I began drinking and stopped eating. Once I met my husband and we started dating my eating disorder went on the wayside a little. I gained weight and I was happy. But when I turned 19 something snapped. My family didn’t support anything I did and I felt like I was suffocating. I began restricting—then purging. I was diagnosed with EDNOS and sent to treatment because my health has gotten so bad. I spent 92 days in a treatment center in Milford, VA and I did well. I left treatment feeling like I could conquer the world, but when I got home I relapsed—hard. I struggled more, I fought with the people who love me more, and eventually I was tired of fighting. After a fight with my father I swallowed 20 prescription sleeping pills. I passed out before I got to the hospital. I woke up as the doctor was telling my mother I was lucky to be alive. I was set on 12 hour observation because my blood pressure was too low, then I was transferred to the psych hospital where I stayed 2 weeks. Once out I left again for Milford and started again in treatment. While there I was rebellious, I didn’t listen and I did what I wanted to do. I lost weight in treatment and was sent home with the recommendation of spending 6 more weeks in treatment to get my weight up and to help with my ED tendencies. I couldn’t afford it, and I was tired. I wanted to go home, get married and be happy. So, I came home and was thrown into a tornado. My nutritionist started me on supplements to help with the weight gain, my therapist dropped me as a client and I had to find a new one. I was terrified of failing, and I still am. I still struggle. It is a daily battle. Some days are better than others. Some nights all I can do is cry. I still see a therapist and I still see a nutritionist. They hold me accountable in my recovery. If I slip up and engage in behaviors, it doesn’t mean I have failed—it simply means I still have growing to do. I am not perfect—I will never be perfect. I am finding this is ok—but still I feel ugly, overweight, and damaged. But I am learning that my past does not define me, and my abusers have no control over me.

Ever since I was little people would always comment on my looks, they’d tell me how beautiful I was, how I’m blessed with being beautiful, how I should model. But never in my 16 years of life have I felt that way. I’m a competitive ballet dancer so my body is always being shown and on display for people to judge and look at. I’ve been dancing since age 6 and even back then if I’d lose or not place in the back of my head there was always a voice telling me ‘If you were skinnier, if you were prettier you would have won.’ I don’t know why I am the way I am, I don’t have depression I’m a normal 16 year old girl in grade 11. My eating disorder is my families secret coming from a mom who is a doctor and a dad who is a retired NHL hockey player no one would think I was the way I am, I mean everyone thinks because my family has money that I should be happy but I never am. I’m never happy with my body, when my eating disorder was really bad I’d hardly hang out with friends due to the fact that they might ask me to eat, or we’d go out to eat. Eating was a chore. I’d only eat at dinner, then I would go into my bedroom where I have my own bathroom and throw up the one meal I ate a day. Finally my family had caught on and put me into treatment it’s worked well however I still slip, I still think that i’m fat. I still think my legs need to be smaller. I want one day to be happy and carefree without having to worry about my legs touching, or my hips being too big. One day I will over come my own battle with myself.